Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
