I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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