Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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