just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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