it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
