I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
