Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
