sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
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throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
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Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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