Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Randomize
