I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
