I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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