tell your sister to shave her snatch
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Randomize
