some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
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You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
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There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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