well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
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