tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
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He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
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But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
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