thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
