Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
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