I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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