If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
