i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
