Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
