I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
