Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
