dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
