If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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