Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
