I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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