I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
