you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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