I'm sorry my penis didn't work
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
