He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
