I could have mohawked her pubes.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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