Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
