he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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