Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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