we're chasing vodka with high fives
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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