I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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