The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
