Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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