The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
