The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
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i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
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My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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