Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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