So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
