Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
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