He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just invented taco cereal.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
