please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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