My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
