Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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