Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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