dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i think i have herpe
just one?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
