You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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