Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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