I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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