i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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