apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Randomize