Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
