a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
