i wish my penis had a tongue
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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